The panic button

One week before the "A" race: you know that  race, the one you've prepared for ages, the one you set yourself to give it all. For me, it is the trail de l'Etendard. A 63 km, 4100m of ascent in the beautiful mountains of Savoie, France.

Trail de l'Etendard Route View

But I've hit it. The panic button, the one which makes everything fall apart. I'm sure we've all been there, we pressed it and fell in the black hole of self-doubt.


Why? I should have no reasons for it: I had faced the unknown when running the Mont Blanc back in July, I know what I am about to face. I've carefully prepared myself to make it feel like an "organised" run in the mountains where nothing can faze me.This time, it felt like the expectations set seemed reasonable. Like when you tell yourself: no worries, you've done the race before, or nah, you'll be fine,you've completed the distance, or/and no sweat mate, you've trained hard, put the hours in, change your diet...all and all, it will all work out!

Darn! stupid button!

For ages, everything seemed fine. Training was going according to Mick's plan, experimenting with low carb diet was not as traumatising as I first believed, I had been able to keep that little voice at bay.  But as I sit there looking through the window of the Eurostar, reflecting on the last few weeks effort, this little voice shout outs: for this race you need to run better than ever before. That's it, nothing else, no ugly thoughts telling you that you can't do it, just that : you better run better.
And as the mind impregnates these words,and start looking for reassuring thoughts  only one thought prevails : I'm not ready. I'm one week before the race and I haven't ran once last week, I had painful runs the week before, and next week looks brutal.  Fatality comes crashing down: there is no point, this is never going to work the way others are going to expect it. These expectations are so high, what was I thinking believing it's ok!

 

What felt like an eternity later: Reason started kicking in, asking me if I was going to feel this way every time a race is about to start?! So dramatic! There must be a reset button after you hit the panic one, how and when do you hit reset?

So I decided to try a few things I've read in the past and made fun of (sorry) Breathe:in this short laps of panic, I actually held my breath for so long, that the guy beside me started to panic! So at each deep breath, facts started flowing in: I'm a runner, I love the mountain, I have prepared, it's all going to be fine.
Physical Check up: Then I checked myself up. No pain, legs don't look as I've lost any muscle! I can still go up the stairs without breathing hard, I've walked alot without being tired. And you know what, you don't loose physical fitness because you stop running for a week, even 2 weeks, especially if you are doing other activities such as biking or shopping ( yes shopping ladies!) so there! hum...ok, I feel a bit better
Mental Check Up: As Stuart Mill aka UltraStu says: it's all in your mind! If I take this race as a journey goal where what I want to accomplish is getting to the end, then I just need to complete the race and I'll be ok! It doesn't matter the way I would feel before, during or after the race, if I've decided it's a journey goal then so be it! screw the bigger expectations! Now if I take this journey as a "bad ass journey", then mastering  self doubts is the battle and acknowledging that confidence tempered with humility is what makes the difference between a good finish and a bad one, then so be it!


So...it's now less than a week before the race, if I get lucky I might get to run tomorrow, if not then heh! at least I've looked at the course profile and I've decided that I'll start the race as a bad ass journey and will see if I finish it this way or if I get to finish it as a journey goal. As I am reading others' blogs and finding out about their journey, I can see that we all have one thing is common: We all freak out at one point in our running journey, but it looks like the key is finding our own ways to reset our mind and think that whatever the little voice says, I've signed up for that race, and whatever it takes I'll finish it!